This window overlooks a grim view, concrete, chipped paint, twisted metal fence; the place holds me, something about the way the sunlight glints off the perpetually broken glass bottle that looks as if they had been carefully constructed and placed there for purposes beyond our understanding.

Every morning I find myself staring out this window. Without thinking, my alarm blinks through the early morning whisper of light. Every morning like one day I'll wake up and do something, something more than this; I am lost.

But my hand finds the switch and my body heaves up. My brain still lies on the pillow. I feel my feet on the cold wood, then the linoleum. The scrap of the chair and my weight hitting the cushion dully. The eyes awaken and start tracing over the lines of the vacant lot, an empty space chained in, empty crates held capture.

I see it now, nothing ever changes, used to the way life changes endlessly in small ways, things moving on, flowers dying, seasons changing. But I tell you, I've been here, I've been watching a seemingly endless time; the dirty weeds still sit in their lonely cracks of cement, the old hamburger wraps still lie in the pavement where I first spied them. I want you to witness this, I do, you are thinking I'm mad, obsessed now; well see this:

See? In the corner, on the right, three old crates, half rotten,. And back there, garbage that looks as though someone had thrown it over the fence yesterday. The weeds, a crack runs down the middle of the dirty concrete, green and vibrant they crowd out, as though mother earth is pushing up against the hell that man has created; fighting slowly and silently. This is always the same, they never grow, they never die, stuck in a perpetual bubble of their own spring time.

What do you make of that? Nothing, right, my own mind, worn down with despair grabs for some sort of insane life raft, dreams of perpetual life and the innocence of a small green leaf's struggle for life in this world. Recently, I've been thinking, maybe it's a mimic of my own mind. Is there something still green and vibrant down in it's depths as well?

What is my life, my mind but this empty lot, filled with dead and decaying memories of at once was? Locked in by a broken and shambled fence, about to collapse inward?

Why do I stare at this window? As I see it, one can't truly know when one is so close to the problem! Ha! I feel myself losing my will for what I used to call life, everyday a little further from what used to be. And what was worth living for back then? Family, friends? I've never had much worth enough to mention. Creating, that is what I lived for, my hands used to be great things that connected to this brain and stretched and skewed reality, bringing things forward and showing what life is, where it came from and where it is going. I used to be God, finding the essence of life.

Now. Now I'll never create again, I no longer drive and thirst for the creative force that was within me; my hands no longer itch for clay and paint.

You really want to know what happened, don't you? Well, I found it. I found the essence. The dismal and dreary thing that determines why we crawl like ants across this small planet and fulfill our “lives.”

you see my cynicism now. I wont torture you with it it can't be found in words anyhow. What? Now I deprive you of the knowledge? I beg of you not to pry, you see me and you should no longer feel the curiosity. I guess it in part of human nature and will always triumph; it's why we spend money in search of life other than ourselves while we have enough problems right here on Earth. It is why we delve further and further into things inside things, inside other things to understand why these atoms and molecules make up our existence.

You have your doubts of my knowledge, I can't see it by your face. See my eyes, hear my voice, I am filled with it, not hate, not anger, just sadness, sadness that wears into my eyes, back in to my skull. It feeds and spreads it way into my bones and nerves and tendons, I'm sick with it.

So I don't think any longer, I stare, stare at this empty lot that reflects my being, that has nowhere else to spread and discover, everything was revealed and known in a moment.

This lot this state of being, this purgatory is mine, I would not share it, would not wish it upon anyone else.

rewind! Damn recorder is stuck on


*shrug*

         Reaching a hand into the inky black, velvety dark between the stars. The aching infinity that the stars hang in; peering into the black. Flickers of light hovering, a picture of isolation and the loneliness of distance. Feeling the distance, the frigid indifference and severe beauty.

           A mind stretched across the black void of suffocating silence and blank stares. Drifting in the bleak space and spaceship glides by. Cutting a path through the dark it makes its way toward a small moon shrouded in thick clouds that swirl across the planets surface.

Harsh light thrown from the distant star quickly dip into pitch black on the dark side of the planet and blend into the background of space.

. . .

Flashes of light start to seer across the hull as the atmosphere grates against it. Pressure makes the metal shudder and cry out.

        The spacecraft flickers like a brilliant candle in the sky, leaving behind a streak of white behind it. A deep throated whistle tears the sky in two and dances along the landscape with loud echoes that rattle into the cracks and shake the earth. Something is wrong; as the craft continues downward toward the surface thrusters can be seen making a vain effort at slowing it down and instead streak out an erratic course across the sky and down to the horizon. A soft distant boom announces it's arrival.

         The blinking of lights scattered irregularly across the panels inside the craft were the only indications of life. A soft, barely audible moan tells otherwise.

         A tattered suit stirs and tells it's tale of captain. Battered and bruised, the man struggles to raise himself from the badly tilted floor of the ship. His low mumbles begin to come together into words of thanks and worship as he looks at his hands and pats and prods his body to assure himself of the miracle.

         He winced as he touched his ankle but with great luck finds that it is only sprained. His face is strong, his hair and eyes, dark. A momentary shadow flickers over his features as he sees blood flecked across the wall nearest him.

          The man jumps up and carefully crosses to a figure slumped into the far corner. He is alive, thank the gods. Seeing the the man isn't in immediate need of attention he walks across the slanted floor, favoring is hurt ankle.

          The next man is dead, neck at an awkward and sickening angle, the man turns his head away from the sight quickly. The last man is alive as well. The captain thanked the heavens. The landing had been very hard and any of them were lucky beyond reason to be alive.

. . .

            The Captain sat in a chair, looking blankly at the window, hands listlessly placed on the control panel in front of him. The cabin was dark, not much of the power survived the fall. A flash lantern throws harsh shadows across the windows.

            Hard packed dirt was pressed firmly against the glass, the freshly stirred earth had a dull yellow-gray color to it, it seemed to be almost clinging to the window with a sticky feel.

            The Captain's gaze was far beyond the window. Thousands of miles way, the deep eyes churned with thoughts. He shook his head roughly and spied the other two crewmen in the corner, shaking the webs from their minds as one bandages the other's wounded elbow.

           He unsteadily got to his feet and half slid to where they were sitting. They both looked up, there was no question in their eyes, there was nothing to say.

“And what do you think?” The captain asked.

“'Bout what? You already know well enough our situation, what is there to do?”

“Let's go outside.” The captain replied , the exhaustion showing itself through his tone. They had already gone over this, radio dead, ship damaged beyond repair. They were the first ship ever to venture out this far and that meant no hope for rescue as well.

“Fine.”was the reply, the crewman's voice dull and he would not meet the Captain's eye.

          Breathing heavily, the men counted “One...two...three!” and heaved against the door again, giving a little bit. The dirt started poring in through the crack they had made, smacking and sticking to there clothes. More of it falling into the recesses of the ship, pattering and creating echoes along the metal.

          Pushing one last time, the men managed to open the door enough to allow them to get out, they settled back, panting hard, they listened to the dirt pattering down and a wind whipped and licked at the empty doorway. The captain glanced at the other two, one looked away and the other was casting a weary look out the open door.

          Without a word the captain grabbed the edges of the door and heaved himself up, awkward at the tilted angle. The wind immediately took him over, whistling in his ears, stinging his eyes. After the dank darkness of the ship, the light blinded him and he squinted back toward the sounds of the other men following behind him

         Making his way to his feet, he began to distinguish the landscape around him. The wind played with his clothing and brushed his face. There was a faint odor in the air the he couldn't describe as anything he had smelled before, a guess would yield the thoughts of wild animals, an almost meaty, musky smell; but just faint, barely at the edge of his senses. It was hot; a horrible humid heat that made the wind feel like an animals breath upon his skin. A shiver ran down his spine at the thought.

          The Captain glanced around, he could already feel the sweat start to trickle down his forehead and back. It was a deadened landscape, the color of dead grass and clay. Casting his eyes around, the sight way bleak, desert, rocks, dirt as far as the eye could see. The mountains in the distance, a hazy purple that wavered and warped in the heat. It wasn't bright out, now that his eyes had adjusted, he saw that the lighting resembled dusk; any sunlight cut dramatically from the thick clouds that reigned the skies.

          One of the crewmen let out a low moan and the Captain turned to see the despair spreading across their faces. He felt it as well, they would die here, there was no way around that fact.

         The ground was started to turn dark under their feet. The sun, what they could make out through the clouds was a speck that was rapidly heading toward the horizon. The clouds made the diffuse light have no shadows and the twilight to night came upon them creeping from every corner, in no direction and swept into complete darkness.

         Within a half hour the darkness was complete and the crew had made their way back into the bowels of the ship, as the surface was a face of terror to them and darkness made it complete. All previous recordings of the planets indicated no life on the surface but all the men felt there was something; felt it in the pit of their stomachs.

         The Captain was sitting in the pilot's chair again, he felt his head nodding off, cobwebs of nightmares were covering his brain as sleep came nearer. He jerked his head up a couple times, half mumbling as he did.

         The other crewmen were on their way to sleep as well, one in the chair next to the Captain and the other lying on the floor, half crushed against the corner.

         When the darkness had come they had made there way inside again and wordlessly came to the decision take care of the body of the other crewman. They had carefully gathered the lifeless corpse and wrapped it in a blanket, carrying it to a place near the door, out of sight from where they would sleep. They didn't say much to one another, the only word spoken over the body was:

“Farewell...”

 

.  .   .

        The Captain jerked awake, fuzzy and confused he sat still. He had no idea what had woken him, he immediately started to fall back into a half slumber as nothing further was heard.

         A aching sound of metal, low almost more of a feeling than a sound jerked his head back up. He was awake now, he sat staring into the dark, eyes gathering light that was nowhere to be seen. Next came a crumpling sound, louder. He began to sit up, listening with intensity at the edge of his seat. His head cocked at another screech of metal. He groped at the spot where he had left a flash-lantern.

        The loudest screech yet rumbled through the ship as he found the light and it flickered to life. The crewman next to him jumped into sharp contrast who was looking at the ceiling, also poised at the edge of his seat. “What in the hell is that?”

“I have no clue. It sounds like the ship is getting crushed! But we're barely even half underground!”

Next came the very distinct sound of metal crumpling and the ship jerked downward several feet. The men let out a cry of surprise.

         “Whatever is going on, we need to get out of here! Now! Gather the rations! One water bottle each! In 30 seconds I want us out of this ship!” The Captain cried out as the ship gave another lurch. The light danced crazily across the windows, cracks were making their way across them with sickening speed. The men went to work and gathered what was needed.

         They ran through the ship and heaved themselves at the door. Dirt was poring in through the the open door, they started digging frantically as the sounds escalated and started tearing at their eardrums. The Captain's hands found their way to the open air and he threw everything he had into getting to the surface. Like a drowning man he gasped air as his head and arms pushed their way out. Once out he he turned and helped the next man who was struggling half way out.

         The ground started to collapse inward as the two men dug vigorously at the churning earth toward the screams of the man inside. The sounds of the screaming metal overwhelmed the landscape and the men threw each other frightened looks and both of them stumbled over the ground, away from the spot where the earth seemed to be boiling like water.

        The men let a cries and ran from it, the horror of the screaming metal. The Captain stumbled and fell as his hurt ankle realized it's pain. The other man stumbled to a stop ten feet further on and they both lay panting on the ground. The darkness was still complete, the heat still suffocating.

“What will we do?”

“Wait till morning...do you have anything?”

“I have my water, that's it. We are lucky to have our lives.”

          Dawn came swiftly. The Captain had lay staring at the darkness all night, mind numbed. The wind made soft sounds around him, whispering across the rocks and rustling his cloths. He could not make sense of what happened and was waiting on dawn to find out.

          When light began to find its way over the barren landscape the Captain got to his feet and his bad ankle almost gave way under him. Gritting his teeth he jumped and stumbled over to the other man and jostled him harshly. The man jumped violently and grasped onto the Captain's arm painfully, panting heavily from his sprint from the land of nightmares. He looked up helplessly into the Captain's eyes with the look of a drowning man who had just been rescued. Getting to his feet he looks as though his senses are coming back to him, “What happened last night?” he says.

“I have no idea, let's go back to the ship...if it's still there...”

“Sure, sure...”

           They had run further than it had seemed last night, but in about five minutes they had reached the spot where the ship had crashed. It was evident from the gouged earth that burned a trail through the ground 500 yards further. The ship was gone, freshly churned ground was all that was left.

The men stared at the ground, uncertain and the fear coming back in waves close to nausea as the situation unraveled before there eyes.

“Where...?”

“We must have some kind of underground cavern or something, thats the only explanation.”

“Yes...Johnson, now Stone. I hate to say it...and then there were two. And where do we go from here?” The Crewman's voice raised a pitch and he threw out his arms at the barren landscape.

“We need to find more water, food.” was the Captains reply, looking at the crewman with hooded brows.

“Where!? Have you gone mad, or have I?” a slightly manic laugh escaped his lips.

“I have no idea, but I still want to survive. So the question is, do you?” The Captain said this calmly, looking at the distant mountains and listening hard for the man's response.

“Yes, sadly enough, I still have something in me keeping me from lying face down on this rock and taking a very long sleep.”

“Good enough,” the Captain turned back to the man and looked him in the eye, “There is nothing keeping us here unless we want to dig. Head toward the mountains?”

“I would say that our chances are about equal whatever way we decide to go.”

            The Captain didn't make a response, he turned and started toward the mountains in the distance, favoring his injured ankle with great care. He tried not to think about there chances of finding anything, but damned if he was just going to sit and wait for death. They walk in silence, through the muggy heat they walked, ripping off there insulated sleeves as the sun reached a peak in the sky. A rocky outcrop allowed for slight relief from the heat and the ceaseless wind, ever licking and touching them.

            The held out their tongues for the last drops of water from the small canteen that had survived along with them. The sun was arching quickly across the sky and time was quickly distorted, making the journey even more tiering. They made the decision to wait till the sun was no longer beating down so heavily, the clouds made no difference, swirling across the sky, trapping the heat.

            The Captain's eyes got heavy, the maddening heat slowing down his senses and telling him it was easier not to move. He could see the crewman falling under the same spell, his head nodding into slumber. Half asleep the Captain felt the ground move, gently, more like the rocking of a cradle. He was slipping further into the strange land of dreams.

             Suddenly he was falling at an incredible speed, he hit the ground and jerked awake. His arms were caught in something, he gasped and tried to jerk them up. A thick crumbling sound at that. Seeing now that rock was encasing his body he let out a yell to the other man and started to struggle for his life. The harder he struggled, the more the rock seemed to grip him, he flailed out with he arms and legs, letting out harsh cries of horror. He felt his left arm start to give and broke it free, pounding at his other arm and ankles that were still held. With all of his strength he struggled and with one last burst of adrenaline he burst free dragging stumbling away.

            He clawed forward and he half collapsed fifteen feet from the outcrop. Remembering his partner he quickly turned back to see a vague shape of a man, still in the position he had been napping, as he watched the vast outcropping let out a deep jagged crack and it collapsed like a giant hand upon the slumbering man.

             He started to let out ragged breath, half sobbing. He blindly clawed his way backward on the ground, his eyes staring senselessly at the rocks outcrop that was sinking smoothly into the ground now. He started screaming, he got up and ran, he screamed till his voice would no longer work, he ran till his legs wouldn't support him, he ran into the quickly darkening landscape.

. . .

Dawn comes once again, through the swift night. The rocks lay harmlessly on the ground, nothing stirs but the wind, still liking the surface, tasting the ground, snuffling along the rocks like a hounds nose.